Rating: PG-13 for language.
Summary: Sanada runs into Kirihara on his way to Kamio's place.
Kirihara Akaya stopped, looking out over Tokyo from the tiny hill in the park where he stood, surrounded by families who enjoyed their Saturday afternoon. Little kids ran around with balloons or dogs, and older kids stood in small groups and chatted away. Everything was rediculously peaceful, really. He was bored. He sighed and was about to go back to the subway station to go home to the Hiyoshi residence, when a familiar figure cought his attention. It couldn't be... But... "Sanada-sempai", he called out, running up to the person. He could be mistaken, but if so, it was their headache, wasn't it? He couldn't care less.
Sanada had been heading from the bus station to Kamio Akira's house, he'd decided to take the long way, dropping himself off in the middle of Tokyo so he could walk and think. Though as he started off he could have sworn he heard someone call his name...he glanced over his shoulder just in time to see Kirihara running towards him, blinking in surprise he turned, waiting for the other to make it over to him.
"It is you", the curly haired ace of Rikkaidai panted when he stopped, only half a metre away from Sanada. "I can't believe it! What are you doing here?"
"I was going to ask you the same thing...." he hadn't expected to see Kirihara here at all, though he had been a bit removed from Rikkai for awhile. "I'm visisting Kamio Akira and Oshitari Yuushi actually...what are you doing here?"
Kirihara blinked and brushed a few bangs away from his eyes. "Really? Well, you know... I've been living with Hiyoshi Wakashi the last couple of weeks. Because, like... Trouble at home and stuff." He smirked. "Kamio, huh? Why him?"
"Um...hm..." that was hard to explain, considering there were a lot of reasons it was Kamio, most not exactly things he wanted to talk about. "He was around when I went through a few difficult times over at the school." To be vague about it. "Has everything been okay?" Really, he hadn't meant to get so distant from everyone, especially not Kirihara, who he felt needed to have an eye kept on him.
"Really? Kamio of all people... That's a laugh", Kirihara smirked, then shrugged, kicking a pebble so that it crashed into a garbage can. "Oh yeah, Sanada-sempai. Everything's well and dandy, you know. That's why I'm staying with Hiyoshi. Because I'm so fucking fine."
That's what he thought. "Your sarcasm is very transparent, Kirihara," he sighed and adjusted his hat, dark eyes looking over the younger boy. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Kirihara snorted and tried to kick another pebble, this one was stuck in the ground however, and the only thing he managed to accomplish was a pair of sore toes. He cursed, then shot Sanada a look. "Why is it that everyone always want to know if one wants to talk about it? Huh? I can't see how it would change anything, you know? They're just words anyway."
Sanada simply looked at the other boy for a few long moments. He knew a lot about how important words were, he had failed to use them at one point and had done something very stupid. He was lucky to be standing here right now. "I believe that sometimes physical actions are not always the best thing, talking sometimes at least sorts through things. Perhaps you will find someone that will know how to help," he shrugged, if Kirihara wanted to be difficult then he was welcome to be difficult. It wasn't as if Sanada wasn't used to his behavior anyways.
Oh man... Sanada could be such a stick in the mud sometimes, couldn't he? Kirihara had almost forgotten that. The guy just didn't play by the rules, he never behaved in a way that worked as a fuel to Kirihara's temper. And sure enough, he could feel his frustration and will to lash out at someone die down. "Yeah, yeah... So... Seems like you had your share of problems too, huh? Do you wanna talk about it?"
Question is do you want to hear about it?" he tilted his head, starting to walk towards the park where it was less in the middle of the sidewalk. He never was one for public places. Also there were some things that just didn't need to be said around strangers...or people in general.
"What", Kirihara huffed, "you think I'm completely selfish or something? If you haven't noticed, I like you guys, so of course I wanna hear." He motioned towards the park. "I know a spot in there that's like deserted, so we won't be disturbed."
"It was not so much selfishness as boredom. My life is not exactly prime time entertainment," he ran his fingers over the brim of his hat, following Kirihara to the spot and settling down beneath a tree. It was nice, outside yet alone...it was also nice to finally sit down and talk with one of his teammates for once.
"Uh-uh-uh!" Kirihara got up in Sanada's face, a slightly annoyed grin on his face. "Don't do that, huh? I mean, you're like one of the most powerful people I know, and man, you're my fucking idol, together with buchou and Yanagi-sempai, right? So are you saying my idols are boring? You are not saying that, because I know that they aren't, so there! Now, I think you should spill the beans, because I will listen, right?"
Sanada let the other invade his space, dark eyes following the smaller boys movements. "I trust you will keep this to yourself, no one knows but Kamio and Oshitari...and Tezuka," he added the last having forgotten that he had been told, considering he was the buchou's room mate and all.
Kirihara sat back, eyes huge and curious, more than anything his expression made him resemble an imp or an elf right now. "Heavy names, Sanada-sempai... But yeah, of course. I'll keep quiet."
Sanada just sat there for a moment, thinking. His memory was still hazy, still not sure what had happened that day. "Quite a few things were going wrong in my life, I had a rather harsh break up, unrequited love in multiple places...harsh reality I suppose. I took quite a few sleeping pills...probably more then I should have..."
Kirihara grew quiet and looked at Sanada, biting his lower lip. His fukubuchou... his hero... had gone through something like that? That just sucked, and it made him feel more than a little insecure, but he wouldn't back out. He had to hear this.
This is what happened when no one listened or cared, when your friends abandoned you and you depended on people who were just using you as a means to an end. "Needless to say I wouldn't be here without Kamios intervention," he ended it there, letting Kirihara draw his own conclusions.
"You're being awfully vague, you know that?" Kirihara sighed and unfolded his legs and stretched them out before him. He glanced at Sanada from the side: "You sure you don't wanna go more into detail? Does it hurt too much?"
"In retrospect, I feel nothing at all anymore," and that was the truth, his world was nothing but a numb, cold place and he didn't care that it had become that way. "I have no desire to spell it out, I believe that what I said is enough. Now what about you?"
Still worried, Kirihara's frown deepened, and was about to say something more, was about to press Sanada on the matter - he had tried to kill himself, what the fuck?! - but then decided against it. He sighed, and pulled up the sleeve of his shirt, revealing his arm that was full of thin scars. "I've been cutting myself, for starters. Pretty, isn't it?"
Sanada's eyes drifted over the wounds, a frown echoing on his features though it was barely there. He had a hard time expressing any emotion, especially since the incident. "Pretty on some level...though useless like most pretty things."
"That's a refreshing view to it", Kirihara laughed, then covered the scars up again. "I came pretty close to killing myself once, but I didn't mean to... Niou found me before I bled to death though. As you can see."
"Seems we were both in the same boat. What were your reasons?" he was curious...he was also berating himself, angry that he had not been there when Kirihara had needed him. He hated himself for abandoning his team to be in a relationship where his counterpart treated him like dirt anyways.
Falling down on his back - man the ground was cold, the fall was approaching quickly, wasn't it? - Kirihara pulled up a straw and began chewing on it. "No reason really. Not back then anyway. I just wanted him" - he pointed towards his head - "to shut the hell up. He can be annoying."
"Him as in Niou?" he would not have been surprised if it was. Niou could be painfully annoying at times, though it was just how he was. You learned to live with it.
"No!" Kirihara exclaimed and sat up straight. "He isn't Niou! Niou's a good person, really strange in the head, yeah, but good. He's not like... him... He's... you know. Me. Red Eyed me. It's weird, and it's scary, you know? I more often than not don't remember a thing when I'm going into red eye mode, but just before I do, I hear him speaking in my head and there's a river of blood and I'm always drowning in it..." He paused, then continued: "Man... I sound like a fucking basket case, don't I?"
"I...don't think you are crazy. I think that you just can't seem to find a balance," he knew about this type of thing, perhaps not to this extent. "I...well, you remember how angry I used to get. How I used to hit people? There was something dark in me too, something that wanted to beat anything that defied me into the ground. I managed to get past that, to balance myself so that that part of me could not control me."
Of course he remembered. He had been on the receiving end of that rage more than once, hadn't he? "You do seem a bit more... undemonish right now, fukubuchou-sama..." Grinning impishly, Kirihara reached out a hand, aiming to snatch the cap away from Sanada's head. "But really, that's impressive."
He leaned back away from the snatching hand, putting his own hand up to keep his hat. He had horrible hat hair. "You can do the same, Kirihara. I am sure of this. You just have to want to," he tilted his head, looking at the other more fully. "The thing is not to get rid of that side of yourself, but to control it and make it part of you."
"I guess..." Kirihara gave a quick pout as he failed to snatch the hat away. Sanada was such a spoilsport sometimes... "Well... there's more, if you wanna hear?" Because, well... had he started talking, he might as well ramble about the whole mess. Why not?
"That is why I am here, I want to hear everything you have to say," he was trying to make up for lost time, trying to do whatever he could for Kirihara at this point. Perhaps trying to gain back a friend he'd lost as well.
It felt strange in one way, that he'd sit here and talk to Sanada about all that had been going on with him, when Sanada seemed as closed up about things concerning him as ever. Kirihara still wanted to hear more about the why in the matter of Sanada's suicide attempt. But he guessed it had to wait.
"For starters I've been getting into a lot of fights. I cut a guy from Yamabuki for example. and then I got beat up, but Niou helped me... And now dad's convinced I'm gay and he doesn't want to be near me, so I came to Tokyo. Wakashi said I couldn't stay at home so he came and picked me up. And dad thinks I'm gay because... well... I was downtown with a guy, and we got attacked by a bunch of guys, for no apparent reason, really. And well... They were disgusting. But dad thinks I asked for it, so he thinks I'm gay. Yeah..."
Sanada considered what was said for a few moments before he spoke. "Why are you getting in fights all the time? Are they bothering you?" that was what was first concerning him, considering if there were people going after his teammates he might just have to get involved himself...the second question was a bit touchier, but the whole subject they were on was pretty touchy. "Are you gay?"
Kirihara sighed and grinned at Sanada. That was just so typically him, wasn't it? Heartwarming, in a way. "I love a good brawl, really. But then things go out of hand and then it's not fun anymore. I don't know..." He paused then pushed a hand through his unruly locks. "I might be. I think so, but that's not what's bothering me. It's dad being all "Oh you were raped, but since a guy can't rape another guy you must be gay and that's disgusting!" and shit."
Sanada must have missed that whole rape part because he stopped and stared at Kirihara for a long moment. "You were raped...?"
What the hell had he been doing while his teammate was getting abused? He felt like a complete failure as a vice-captain...and as a friend.
A quick look of disgust flashed over Kirihara's face and he muttered: "Well... I told you me and a guy ran into some trouble downtown? A group of jerks, really. And they all fucking took turns on both of us. Can you fucking believe it? And dad says I asked for it. You know, sometimes I just want to strangle the fucker..."
"Well...that is absolutely ridiculous, Akaya," he hadn't even really realized he'd used his first name. Sanada, was for once in a very long time, enraged. "You did not deserve that, your father is an idiot."
He wanted to tell him he didn't have to put on this front, this anger. That he didn't have to pretend like what had happened didn't really matter...because it did. No one deserved to be treated like that.
At first, before his brain caught up with him, he gave Sanada a quick glare because of the word 'ridiculous', then he blinked as he heard his first name being uttered by the stoic vice captain. He smirked and nodded.
"Is he ever. This is me soooo not going home for like forever or something. I mean, really." He paused, then looked away, up at the sky. "I guess this must be pretty shocking to hear, right?"
"It is...and I wish I could have been there for you. I'm sorry that I wasn't," from this point on though he swore to himself that he wasn't going to abandon his teammate again. "Are you okay? Truthfully."
Had this been anyone but Sanada, or maybe Yukimura, Kirihara would have dismissed the question, or pretend he didn't hear it, but as things were now, he couldn't lie. This was his vice captain after all, and a person he looked up to, even if that little fact was really difficult to admit.
"Okay? No. I've been cutting more and more, and I don't pick on people for fun anymore. I want to hurt them, you know? Just to ease my head up or something. And jump at anything. And you know... I'm fucking scared, man..."
"I understand, I know I had the same drive for a long time. If anything aggravated me I just want to hit them and keep hitting them until they just stopped breathing..." it was hard for him to admit that mean streak in him, it was dishonorable to think like that. Though he had, until he finally got his anger under control.
"What's scaring you? That it will happen again or that you can't control yourself?"
Kirihara looked at Sanada, wide eyed. He hadn't known. Somehow, it felt nice to hear that, horrible as it was, because it made the vice captain more human in his eyes. At least that was what it felt like.
"Wow, sounds tough", he muttered, before continuing: "Both. I really don't ever want to end up in that kind of situation again, it was absolutely horrible. And I couldn't help the other guy either. And I like him. I won't tell you his name, not yet anyway, but I like him. And yeah... I know I can't control myself. It always turn out weird. And afterwards, I don't remember what I did. And that freaks me out, you know?"
"I think I understand..." he paused in his words, just thinking of things for a moment. He didn't think there was anything more extensive then talking about it. Akaya and himself were very different but they both had something inside them that wasn't exactly nice.
"So...does he know you like him?" he queried, tilting his head to look more at the other.
"Thanks..." Kirihara sighed and stretched a little, before blushing as he looked over at Sanada. "Oh, no... I mean, I don't like him like that! He's just a friend, he was my roomie over at Gakuen and I thought I'd hate him, but I didn't, because we worked things out and... stuff. What about you, sempai? Do you have someone you like?"
"Yes, there is someone I like. Though it doesn't really matter, it is not meant to be. Like so many of my other interests," he took off his hat and ran his fingers through his hair before replacing it. "What about you? Is there someone you like like 'that'?"
No way. No way Sanada was doing this. It had to be important to him, right? And it was his emotions. If it was someone he liked, he should just say so and try and get that person to like him back, right? He couldn't behave like this. Not Sanada Genichirou, his fucking role model. He couldn't.
Kirihara got to his feet and growled: "Don't you fucking put yourself down like that, of course it matters! And how do you know it's not meant to be? And what the fuck do you mean about submitting to a stupid idea like that?!"
"It was not so much that I was putting myself down, it is just the facts. I prefer not to talk about it in general, it is not important. Just because you like someone does not mean that you can do anything about it considering circumstance," he looked up at the obviously angry Akaya, his dark eyes unaffected and mild. There was never much expression when concerning the fuku-buchou but he was worse of then normal.
"Bull", Kirihara growled and resisted the urge to deck Sanada, or something, to make him react. "It's your fucking life, and if you just step aside and let it run all over you, you're never gonna be any happier, you stupid shit! Don't you get that?"
Despite his generally apathetic outlook on things, he was still just as fast as he'd always been. So it might not be wisest for Kirihara to try and hit him, though no one ever said Akaya thought out his actions.
"First of all," Sanada began, voice as indifferent as it had been earlier, despite the other's comments. "I am letting nothing run over me. I am intelligent enough to know when not to stick my nose in peoples business. I also am not so hell-bent on being in a relationship again. As far as I am concerned, they are not worth my time."
Kirihara took a deep breath and walked over to a tree, leaning against it. He crossed his arms over his chest and gave a slight frown. "Are you saying that I'm poking into stuff I should butt out off? You can go ahead and tell me if you think so. But you know... I'm not saying that wow, you have to be in a relationship or something. I'm just saying that you should try and live a little. You know, have some fun. Who where the people you should meet up with? Kamio and some other dude, right? Go out with them. Go to an arcade or something and just let lose! It won't kill you. And... speaking of them and all... Aren't you gonna be late?"
"No...I don't exactly want you to "butt out", Akaya. It's nice to have someone interested in what's going on with me..." Sanada sighed, really, it was nice to not be the man behind the mask for once. "And yes, that's why I'm out here. To sort of let go of the stress a bit and I believe I am going to be late. Though I never really set a time." Sanada paused and raised an eyebrow. "Trying to get rid of me?"
After that he stood up, brushing off his jeans and fixing his hat. He should probably go though, Kamio had a tendency to spazz.
"Of course I am", Kirihara joked. "Because you know, I can't stand your face and shit. But I should be getting back as well. You know, I never told Hiyoshi that I was heading out. Maybe that little shit's worried about me... Don't know."
Kirihara stretched and held out his hand towards Sanada. "But listen, it was cool seeing you again man, and... You know... We should keep in touch. And talk. And stuff, you know?"
"Yes, we should," Sanada took his hand and shook it, but then held onto it. He reached into his back pocket and took out a pen, writing his number on the back of Kirihara's hand and also writing Kamio's number.
"If you need me either of those numbers will reach me, call me any time," he meant it too. He didn't sleep much anymore.
"Sure", Kirihara nodded and reached over to slap Sanada friendly on the shoulder. "See you around then!" And he turned to leave, feeling a bit better about himself, but tired and worried at the same time. Something was definitely up, but he still wasn't sure what. It had felt good to see Sanada again though...